My friend Sam doesn't waste a single bite of an apple.He crunches through the core, swallows the seeds and doesn't leave anything behind, but the stalk.In this way, he couldn't be more different from our mutual friend Megan, who refuses to eat apples unless they've been sliced.Sam doesn't own an umbrella.Megan changes her bed sheets every week.
These are the kinds of incongruous facts that people know about their loved ones.
In real life, we pass the time talking with our friends about their children, co-workers, exes and eccentric family members, but we don't always hear about the meaningless minutiae that makes up their daily lives.This is why I sincerely recommend that everyone starts doing one thing: ranking your friends.
What an evil and totally objectionable suggestion!
Let's not get things distorted: I do not think that you should rank your friends based on how much you like them, or how cool or pretty they are, or how close you consider yourselves.
Instead, you should rank your friends in arbitrary, nonsensical and conversation-provoking ways.
My ranking game is not private, secretive, score-keeping, but collaborative fun.It is something your friends can do together, as a group.It is about observing and understanding each other.
Categories have included the simple and straightforward: friends ranked by how early their bedtime is; friends ranked on their likelihood to miss a plane.Things have also veered towards disturbing specificities: friends ranked on who eats the most artificially blue food.
I started my rankings spontaneously when I was eating McDonald's while a group chat was popping off.When confronted with these two stimuli at once, I thought: I wonder who in this chat has McDonald's most regularly.
I ranked my friends and wasn't especially surprised by the results.The game was a resounding success and, as the days passed, everyone began throwing out different categories and discussing things that we'd never discussed before.
The rankings can therefore be a window to self-awareness.As another pal put it: "To be ranked and to rank is to know and fully be known."
To play my game properly, rankings must never be about "most" or "best", and you can avoid insulting people by putting yourself top or bottom of the most contentious ones (although it is true that I am the Friend most likely to get a UTI because they don't dare ask a stranger to watch their laptop in the café).
The rankings aren't really even about getting things right – they're a way to open up a conversation and give someone the opportunity to share more about the small parts of their lives.
As adults, we still need to play.Rhaina Cohen, author of The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center, has written in the past about how adults should "waste time together" like children do in order to bond and make memories.
I suggested and ran with a silly idea – and I can now confidently say which of my friends listens to the most showtunes and also know how much my friend Mia's thoughts spiral when her partner is slow to come back from the shop.
Of course, you can have these discussions with your friends without introducing arbitrary rankings – I don't mean to make it sound like I've never had a conversation before – but the framework is, more than anything, an opportunity.
The rankings have now spread from friend group to friend group and I am endlessly pleased by the increasing numbers taking part.
"It's a game that cuts to the core of what's so wonderful about friendship: someone knowing about, and caring about, your preferences and beliefs – deep and frivolous," says one of my pals with whom I've been playing the game for months.
"When we're playing at ranking, what we're really doing is saying, 'I see you.'"Unexpectedly, the game has allowed us to go deeper into each other's worlds than ever before.
Rules of the ranking game
Pick an arbitrary, insignificant category – never rank friends on how hot they are or how much money you think they make.
List everyone's names in order, from most to least, eg: "Friends ranked by how much they spend on snacks at the cinema:Claire, Lauren, Tim, Bert."
Discuss and debate.
Only rank people who are present and taking part in the game – do not rank others when they are not around.